May 13, 2025

Smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

Staring into the abyss of a backlit TV screen for three hours every evening.

Mowing through a bag of inflammation-inducing, chocolate-covered Cheetos.

Yeah, you’re no idiot.

You know that’s unhealthy stuff.

But there’s something just as unhealthy that flies under the radar.

That thing is loneliness. 

You might be thinking, “OK, OK, I know Ben… socialize, get more friends, blah, blah, blah – I’ve heard it before.”

But fact is, despite being surrounded by people a lot—along with millions of followers, friends, likes, and thumbs-up emojis—and despite knowing that loneliness is a hidden killer, I still struggle with ensuring I’m not personally succumbing to this dis-ease. So I’d be remiss to neglect addressing it. 

I just got back from the Health Optimization Summit in Austin, where I gave a talk all about tribe and togetherness, along with the surging epidemic of loneliness. So this issue is fresh on my mind, and it seemed to resonate with so many people at the event that I figured I’d share my thoughts here too. 

Loneliness: Why It's an Issue

Beneath the glowing screens and endless feeds, a hidden health threat is taking root—one that’s more damaging than a bad diet or skipped workouts.

According to the Harvard Making Caring Common Project, nearly 29% of adults aged 30 to 44 report feeling frequently or constantly lonely, with 24% of young adults under 30 not far behind. And this isn't just an emotional inconvenience—it’s a full-body biological red alert. A study from the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, which tracked older adults over a 12-year period, found that those who reported consistent feelings of loneliness across a four-year window had a 56% higher risk of stroke. 

Chronic loneliness has also been linked to elevated cortisol levels, systemic inflammation, and weakened immune function. Loneliness increases the risk of death by over 25% and is as dangerous as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The irony is profound. Never before has it been easier to “connect” with hundreds, even thousands, of people in an instant. Yet so many find themselves sitting alone, adrift in a sea of digital noise, knowing deep inside that a host of digital relationships just doesn’t seem to scratch the same itch as real, analog, flesh-and-blood connections. 

In one particularly candid moment, I recently found myself in a hotel room after a full day of meetings and speeches, staring down at a rotisserie chicken from Whole Foods, sprawled out on the carpet with Netflix blaring in the background. Despite being surrounded all day by opportunities for interaction, the gnawing sense of isolation when I got back to my hotel room was palpable.

This moment wasn't unique. Even after stepping off a stage in front of hundreds, even after receiving dozens of messages and “likes,” a cavernous feeling of true solitude can often creep into my life. And if it can happen to someone constantly in contact with others as a part of my job (like me), it can happen to anyone. This isn't just a mental phenomenon—your biology interprets it as a real, immediate threat to survival.

Facing this reality head-on is the first step. Real connection—not the illusion of connection—is a foundational pillar for health, happiness, and longevity. So now that you hopefully realize that it’s important to be thinking about and addressing loneliness in your own life or in the life of a lonely person you know, let’s dive in a bit more.

Why Loneliness Is More Dangerous Than You Think

Loneliness is a stealthy killer—one that raises your risk of premature death by over 25%, yet rarely earns the front-page treatment reserved for cancer, heart disease, or stroke.

Perhaps that’s because it’s insidious, harder to quantify, or less visible to the naked eye; after all, there’s no blood test for disconnection, no scan that reveals an empty social life. But make no mistake—loneliness wreaks havoc beneath the surface, steadily corroding the foundations of your biology. It elevates cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone, disrupts restorative sleep cycles, fuels chronic inflammation, sabotages immune function, and even accelerates the decay of cognitive faculties.

And the scope of the problem? 

Staggering. 

In industrialized nations, over 30% of the population reports ongoing, persistent loneliness—and contrary to outdated assumptions, it’s not the elderly who are most affected. It’s the younger generations who are now reporting higher rates of social isolation than their grandparents ever did—a deeply unsettling generational reversal.

What’s more, loneliness is contagious. According to groundbreaking research from the University of Chicago, this state of disconnection doesn’t just impact the individual—it ripples outward, like emotional secondhand smoke, increasing the odds that friends, family, and colleagues will also feel isolated by up to 52%.

And so you find yourself in an era where digital metrics have become the new markers of social status—followers, likes, inbox counts, group threads—yet even as those virtual tokens accumulate, real, embodied connection quietly slips further out of reach. The glowing screen offers the promise of community, but delivers little more than a flickering illusion unless the virtual interaction somehow eventually leads to a real, personal interaction.

The Illusion of Intimacy: Why Some Social Media Leaves You More Alone

In the modern era, social media platforms have woven themselves into the fabric of daily life, offering unprecedented avenues for connection. However, beneath the surface of likes, shares, and notifications lies a complex interplay between digital interaction and human psychology.​

Research indicates that excessive engagement with social media, particularly platforms designed with addictive features, can have detrimental effects on mental health. A study published in Clinical Psychological Science found that adolescents who spent more time on electronic devices exhibited increased symptoms of depression and suicidal thoughts, especially among girls. This correlation suggests that the nature of online interactions may not fulfill the deep-seated human need for genuine connection.​

Further compounding the issue, certain social media platforms employ design elements reminiscent of gambling mechanisms to captivate users. Experts from the University of Michigan have highlighted that these platforms use techniques similar to those in gambling to create psychological cravings, fostering a cycle of dependency. 

Scientists have even coined a term for this brain-rewiring tech tactic: “dopa-mining.” When you get a “like,” or a notification, or watch a scintillating video, your brain's reward system, the nucleus accumbens, is activated. 

It's important to recognize that not all social media use is inherently harmful. Platforms that encourage meaningful interactions and community building can offer support and a sense of belonging. However, when usage becomes compulsive, driven by the pursuit of validation through likes and comments, it may lead to increased feelings of loneliness and isolation.​

In essence, while social media holds the potential to connect individuals across the globe, it's crucial to approach its use mindfully. By fostering genuine relationships and setting healthy boundaries, one can harness the benefits of digital platforms without falling prey to their potential pitfalls.

The Pain of Loneliness (Literally)

Loneliness isn’t just a passing mood or a vague sense of being off—it’s a full-blown physiological experience.

Brain scans actually show that the same area that lights up when you stub your toe or break a bone—the anterior cingulate cortex—also lights up when you're feeling socially rejected. In other words, your brain doesn’t really draw a clean line between physical pain and emotional pain. It processes both in much the same way, which means that being excluded or left out actually hurts—not metaphorically, but biologically.

And it gets even more fascinating. Studies have shown that popping a Tylenol (AKA acetaminophen) doesn’t just dull a headache—it can also take the edge off the sting of social rejection. Researchers found that people who took acetaminophen reported feeling less hurt after being excluded, and brain scans backed it up: activity in pain-related regions actually dropped.

Now, if you let loneliness linger—if it becomes the norm rather than a rare moment—it starts to drag your whole system down. You see cortisol levels spike, blood pressure climb, inflammation flare up, and sleep quality tank. Over time, your immune system takes a hit. That’s not just unpleasant—that’s dangerous. Long-term loneliness has been linked to heart disease, metabolic dysfunction, and even cognitive decline.

Newer research has even found that loneliness can shift your biochemistry. Scientists have identified changes in the expression of specific proteins tied to inflammation and immune function. That means the impact of isolation goes all the way down to your molecular code. So no—loneliness isn’t some soft, abstract emotional inconvenience. It’s a real, measurable, biological stressor that can unravel your health from the inside out.

Ancestral Clues: Why Being Cast Out Was Deadly

Long before cities, smartphones, and wellness trackers, your survival hinged on something far more primal: the tribe.

In ancestral societies, being part of a close-knit group wasn’t just nice—it was non-negotiable. Your food, your shelter, your protection from predators, even your chances of passing on your genes, all depended on one thing: belonging. In The Mountain People, anthropologist Colin Turnbull observed that among the Ik people of Uganda, individuals who were ostracized faced extreme hardships, as communal support was crucial for survival in harsh environments. To be cast out from that network of human connection was, quite literally, a death sentence.

And your brain was built to recognize that. Your nervous system was designed to interpret social rejection as a high-stakes emergency. Getting cast out triggered the same fight-or-flight response you’d experience when encountering real physical danger: heart rate rising, cortisol surging, sleep becoming shallow and fragmented. Alone in the wild, every shadow could be a predator—and your body responded accordingly, primed to keep you alive.

That wiring remains hard-coded into your system. The physiological alerts that once helped your ancestors survive the threat of isolation still fire today—when you’re overlooked, excluded, or disconnected from meaningful relationships. The ancient signals are the same, even if the source has changed. Banishment, excommunication, ostracism—these weren’t just symbolic slights; they were direct threats to human continuity, and your body hasn’t forgotten that.

Modern loneliness, then, is really just ancestral banishment in a new costume. A more subtle, quieter exile—one cloaked in notifications, empty DMs, and surface-level interactions—but one that still activates deep, ancient pathways of distress. And if those signals go unaddressed, they don’t just disrupt your emotional state; they ripple through your physiology like a low-grade fever that never breaks.

The Science of Touch and Connection

Touch is not merely a comforting gesture; it's a fundamental aspect of human biology that plays a crucial role in physical and emotional well-being.

When your skin experiences tactile stimulation, specialized receptors known as Pacinian corpuscles are activated. These receptors transmit signals through the vagus nerve—a key player in your parasympathetic nervous system—which helps regulate heart rate, stabilize blood pressure, and support digestive function. This intricate neural feedback loop is one of the reasons why physical touch promotes such profound physiological calm.

Beyond the neural circuitry, touch also initiates the release of oxytocin—the so-called “love hormone”—which fosters a sense of safety, trust, and emotional resilience. In fact, studies show that individuals who receive supportive physical contact prior to a stressful event demonstrate lower cortisol levels and more stable cardiovascular responses than those who don’t.

Your biology is structured for touch. From hugs and handshakes to high-fives and back slaps, these seemingly small acts serve as powerful regulatory mechanisms for your nervous system and hormone balance. Without them, stress has a far easier time taking hold—and staying there.

Smartphone Hyperconnectivity vs. Analog Community

In today’s hyper-connected world, smartphones have become the ever-present tether of modern life—yet their rise has coincided with a quiet erosion of real-world social connection.

Rather than enhancing human interaction, they often displace it, crowding out eye contact, physical presence, and shared experience.

The data is chilling. Teenagers who’ve grown up with smartphones report higher rates of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation than any generation before them. A systematic review in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience links excessive screen time to increased psychological distress in youth. Smartphone usage literally rewires their brains. And it’s not just teens. Research shows that when parents use smartphones around infants, vital cues like eye contact and joint attention are disrupted—delays that can impair language development and emotional bonding.

Technology, when used intentionally, can enrich human connection. But when it replaces your physical, analog relationships with pixels and pings, it undermines the very fabric your biology was built to depend on: presence, proximity, and community. Your nervous system wasn’t designed for virtual applause. It was designed for a campfire, a shared meal, a conversation without a screen.

What the World's Longest Study on Happiness Reveals

You can track your macros, perfect your morning routine, and dial in the most cutting-edge recovery tech—but when it comes to long-term happiness and health, none of it holds a candle to one thing: relationships.

That’s not just an opinion—it’s the central conclusion of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running study on human well-being in history. Over the course of eight decades, researchers followed hundreds of participants across vastly different backgrounds—inner-city kids, Ivy League graduates, blue-collar workers, professionals—and across every socioeconomic and educational divide, the most powerful predictor of flourishing wasn’t diet, supplements, exercise, or financial success.

It was whether or not you had close, trusted, enduring relationships.

Not how many faces you see at a networking event or how many followers orbit your digital universe—but whether you truly feel seen, heard, and valued by a small circle of people who show up for you, and for whom you show up too. These kinds of relationships serve as an emotional immune system, buffering you against the inevitable turbulence of life. They extend your lifespan, protect your brain as you age, reduce the risk of disease, and provide the kind of meaning that no wearable, no cold plunge, and no lab-grown supplement ever could.

So if you’re pouring your time and energy into optimizing every other domain of your life, but you’re doing it in isolation, you’re leaving the most powerful health intervention on the table. Even the most advanced biohacks fall short of being ultimately satisfying when they’re not anchored in connection, as anyone who has been huddled up lonely inside a hyperbaric chamber listening to binaural beats while sucking on a bee propolis lollipop could tell you.

Loneliness Isn't Inevitable—Here Are 6 Steps to Reclaim Connection

1. Volunteer: Transform Your Isolation into Purpose

The Problem:
When loneliness sets in, it can make you feel like you’re adrift—disconnected from meaning and people. You might find yourself stuck in your own head, ruminating, scrolling, and slowly withdrawing from the very social fabric your nervous system is wired to need.

The Solution:
The moment you step outside yourself to help someone else, something shifts. Volunteering anchors you in purpose. It gives you a reason to show up, to be seen, and to matter. Studies consistently show that people who volunteer report lower rates of depression and better health outcomes overall, and that the health benefits of volunteering especially apply more to the people who are helping vs. the people who are being helped!

What You Can Do:

• Pick one cause that speaks to you—education, hunger relief, elder care, or animals.

• Sign up for a shift at a local nonprofit or faith-based organization.

• Use VolunteerMatch to find nearby opportunities.

• Make it a weekly habit—even one hour will make a difference.

I and my family have delivered meals via meals on wheels, played music at local nursing homes, helped out at local schools, assisted new people to town with moving in and hauling boxes, and even designed a Spiritual Disciplines Journal to systematize the process of service—making it a point to love, help or serve at least one person a day.

2. Host Gatherings: Build the Community You Crave

The Problem:
If you’re waiting for an invitation that never comes, you’re not alone. It’s easy to feel isolated in a world where everyone’s “busy” but no one’s truly connected. And when you don’t initiate, connection slips through the cracks.

The Solution:
You have more power than you realize. When you host, you create a gravitational pull that draws others in. Face-to-face interactions—especially around food, laughter, and shared experiences—are deeply regulating to your nervous system. They boost oxytocin and bond you to others on a physiological level.

What You Can Do:

• Throw a simple dinner party—no fancy plates required.

• Host a board game night, a backyard workout, or a walk-and-talk meet-up.

• Ask each guest to leave their phone in a basket by the door.

• Focus on real conversation, not perfection.

At the Greenfield home, we throw at least one dinner party a month, drawing from a simple Google doc I’ve created with a list of friends, neighbors, and family members who we can have over on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday night for a potluck-style dinner.

3. Join a Spiritual or Community Group: Anchor Yourself in Shared Purpose

The Problem:
When you drift without a shared purpose or place to belong, isolation sets in fast. You can be surrounded by people and still feel like no one really sees you—or is in it with you. While I realize that being “spiritual not religious” is a trend, it’s a trend that misses out on the precious connectivity that happens when you’re in a church (for more on that, read Believe: Why Everyone Should Be Religious—one of my favorite recent books). 

The Solution:
That’s why I keep coming back to church. It’s not just about religion—it’s about rhythm, gathering, and shared experience. Being in a community where people sing together, serve together, and show up consistently changes you. It drops stress, lifts mood, and gives you something modern life often lacks: a true tribe.

What You Can Do:

• Visit a local church—just once—and pay attention to how your body feels afterward.

• Offer to help. Whether it’s stacking chairs or handing out food, service creates fast connection.

• After church, don't just slip out the back—stay a while. Ask someone what their favorite thing is about their hometown, or simply mirror something they say: “Take fish oil every day?” and let the conversation go where it will.

Every Sunday, Jessa, the boys, and I pile into the car to go be with “our tribe” in a sacred worship setting, and the relationships formed there spill into meaningful connections and activities for the rest of the week.

4. Master the Art of Conversation: Move Beyond Small Talk into Meaningful Exchange

The Problem:
When your interactions stay trapped in the shallow waters of “What do you do?” and “How’s it going?”—or worse, when they’re reduced to likes, emojis, and passive scrolling—you starve your nervous system of the very nourishment it needs. You’re wired for dialogue that feels real, for connection that signals safety and belonging.

The Solution:
You can transform any ordinary conversation into a meaningful connection when you turn your attention fully outward. That means ditching the pre-scripted small talk and instead leaning into open-ended curiosity. When you show genuine interest, you’re not just talking—you’re building trust, lowering cortisol, and triggering the neurochemistry of human bonding.

What You Can Do:

• Ask something real: “What have you changed your mind about recently?” or “What’s been the highlight of your week?”

• Try mirroring: repeat part of what someone just said, gently and curiously.

• Make space for silence—it signals that you’re actually listening.

• Keep your phone off the table. Presence is the rarest gift.

• Start with one conversation today. Lean into depth, and return to it daily.

Check out books like The 5 Types of Wealth by Sahil Bloom, Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi, or How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie for plenty of tips that I’ve personally applied to my own life for exponential increases in social skills.

5. Prioritize Shared Experiences: Stop Isolating, Start Belonging

The Problem:
You weren’t designed to live your life in a vacuum. And yet, it’s all too easy to default to solo routines—solo workouts, solo meals, solo weekends—that quietly erode your social resilience.

The Solution:
When you engage in activities with others—whether it’s a hike, a cooking class, or a mastermind retreat—you embed yourself in a web of shared memory, mutual effort, and unspoken connection. It’s the glue of belonging.

What You Can Do:

• Use Meetup or Mozi to find or create in-person gatherings.

• Join a local class or club that matches your interests.

• Replace at least one solo activity this week with a group version.

• Say yes to invitations—even if it’s a little uncomfortable.

At least twice a week, I pull out the headphones, turn off the audiobooks and podcasts, defy the urge to go on a solo hike or solo workout, and get some friends together for pickleball, frisbee golf, yard games, or a hike. Even if you’re introverted or shy, it’s never as painful as you might think.

6. Balance Tech With Reality: Use Digital Tools to Deepen Real Life, Not Replace It

The Problem:
You live in a world where digital convenience often replaces analog richness. It’s easy to let texts substitute for touch, likes replace listening, and screens edge out presence. But your biology can’t be fooled.

The Solution:
Use your devices intentionally—to facilitate real-world experiences, not escape them. Studies show that constant screen use reduces empathy, face-to-face interaction, and even eye contact in children and adults alike.

What You Can Do:

• Institute screen-free meals and device-free evenings.

• Text less, call more, and meet face-to-face whenever possible.

• Schedule unplugged weekends or nature days.

• Let tech serve your relationships, not steal them.

Me and my buddy Caleb Applegate recently launched LIFE Network, the world’s first welllness community (think of it like the “Facebook of health”) where you can interact with me and other health experts, exchange ideas in digital forums and weekly Q&A’s, and meet-up locally with other members for a workout, superfood smoothie, or seed-oil-free restaurant outing!

Final Thoughts

Loneliness may seem like a quiet struggle, but make no mistake—it’s a full-blown epidemic, etched not only into public health data but into your biology.

Throughout this article, you’ve seen how disconnection isn’t just a mood—it’s a measurable stressor that touches everything from inflammation to sleep to immune strength.

The latest findings from the Harvard Making Caring Common Project bring it into even sharper focus:

People between 30–44 years of age are the loneliest group—29% report feeling “frequently” or “always” lonely. Among 18–29-year-olds, the rate is 24%. For those between 45–64, the rate drops only slightly to 20%, while 10% of adults aged 65 and older reported a rate of loneliness of 10%.

These statistics confirm what your nervous system already knows: this modern epidemic is real, widespread, and deeply wired into the rhythms of everyday life.

But loneliness isn't inevitable. And defeating it doesn’t require becoming an extroverted social butterfly. It’s about living in alignment with the deep, biological design that craves tribe, touch, eye contact, laughter, and loyalty. You’re wired for real connection—flesh-and-blood friendships, shared meals, heartfelt conversations, and moments of service that bring you back into communion with what matters most.

The good news is that you’re not alone in this.

Like I briefly mentioned earlier, the new LIFE Network that I’ve co-founded and recently launched is a space where you can root yourself in a tribe of like-minded individuals committed to clean living, meaningful relationships, and radical well-being. Built by health experts and free of algorithms or noise, it's a platform designed to help you build real community—both online and in person. You’ll find curated meetups, vetted resources, and practical ways to bring more connection into your day-to-day life.

To really dig into service, you can also try starting each morning and finishing each day with the Spiritual Disciplines Journal. With just five daily prompts, it anchors you in gratitude, prayer, service, and self-reflection—shaping your inner world so that your outer relationships flourish. It’s not about ticking off tasks or chasing modern metrics of success—it’s about cultivating presence, embodying service, and living each day in alignment with a purpose that transcends the self.

Connection is not just a pleasant addition to life—it’s the invisible thread that weaves your emotional, physical, and spiritual health into a cohesive whole, fueling resilience, inviting meaning, and breathing vitality into every part of your being. So take the next step: find your tribe, cultivate deep, soul-nourishing relationships, and rediscover the ancient rhythm of life in community.

Have questions, comments, feedback, or your own tips to add? Leave them below. I read them all!