November 23, 2013
[00:00] Introduction/About Jordan Gray
[04:45] How Jordan Became A Relationship Coach
[07:08] Relationship and Emotional Strategies Jordan Uses
[13:57] Things You Can Say During Sex
[18:10] Ways People Like Introverts Can Take the Lead
[21:37] Mental Tactics for Increasing Sexual Health
[26:56] Tackling Premature Ejaculation
[31:48] Going Without Ejaculation for Periods of Time
[35:36] Frequency of Ejaculations and Orgasms
[38:06] Exercises to Help with Sexual Performance
[44:47] Other Sexual Performance-Related Questions
[47:27] Foods, Nutrients, and Supplements to Enhance Sexual Performance
[52:46] Some Teasers from Jordan's Books
[1:00:34] End of Podcast
Ben: Hey, folks. It's Ben Greenfield. And I want to begin today's podcast episode with a quick story, and also a warning to you that we're about to kind of venture into the realm of adult oriented topics on today's show. So, we are indeed going to be talking a little bit, or a lot, about sex today. The title of this episode is “How to Get Fit for Sex”, and so it may get a little bit explicit, but you've been fairly warned. So, a few months ago, I sat in on an online presentation given by one of my friends. His name is Jordan Gray and he has a website over at jordangrayconsulting.com, I'll tell you a little bit more about what he does in a little bit. But the night of that presentation, and for basically the next week following the presentation, and from then on forward, I kind of took action and started doing some of the things that he taught and presented during that talk because I usually try and implement when I hear about new things. I don't just think about them, I go out and do them, and I began implementing Jordan's tips.
And immediately, my sexual performance went through the roof. Not only was my sex drive amplified, but I became as, I think Jordan put it during that particular webinar, kind of like a beast in the bedroom. And it got to the point where my wife actually asked me, and this was in a good way, “What happened to you?” And this was something that really just kind of changed my life as far as the way that I approach not only my sexual relationship with my wife, but also my emotional relationship with her. And you're in luck, because today, Jordan is on the call and he's going to share some of those same tips that he shared with me with you. And, of course, like I mentioned, I'll warn you, we'll really get down to brass tacks. So, this is an adult oriented podcast and Jordan's information is definitely applicable to males, but whether you're a guy or a girl, you're going to benefit big time from this episode. And women, trust me, you're going to want your significant others to listen into this one for sure.
Now, a little bit about Jordan before I hand things over to him. He's a number one Amazon Best-Selling author and a relationship coach, and what he specializes in doing is helping people to remove emotional blocks to get into and maintain thriving relationships and really maximize their intimacy. He's worked with over a thousand students over the past five years. He works with married couples, dating couples, single men, single women, I believe he probably has more wedding invitations than just about any of us here on this call today. And of course, like I mentioned, he also works with folks who are kind of already connected and married, like me. Some of his books, and I'll put links to all his books in the show notes for this episode, include “How To Be the Most Engaging Person in the Room…Every Time”. This one was a really good one, “50 Powerful Date Ideas”. I got a ton of ideas for bringing my wife out on cool dates for that one, 'cause we do Tuesday night or Friday night dates. He's got another one called “The Introvert's Guide to Dating”. So, I also dug that one because I am an introvert, and so that was kind of cool for me just to kind of get a little insight into my own psyche. Even though I don't date anyone except my wife anymore, it still had some cool stuff in there. So, we're just going to jump right in with Jordan. So Jordan, thank you so much for coming on the call today.
Jordan: My pleasure. I am very excited to be here.
Ben: Well, cool. Let's start with your story. I don't even know how somebody would get started as a relationship coach, but I want to hear how you got started doing what you're doing. And if possible, just before they all run away, please fill us in on why even like an older married man or woman would probably still want to listen into this call?
Jordan: Totally. So, for how I got into being a relationship coach, it's a common question. Not a very normal job for most people to get into. I've been studying psychology, relationships, human sexuality, and attraction for the better part of the last decade, but it's really a mix of nature and nurture. So, one story that I often tell is when my close, like male friends, in elementary school were out kind of playing basketball, or soccer on the court to impress the girls in my class, I was the one sitting on the sidelines talking with the women 'cause I found that way more entertaining. I thought that if they're trying to impress girls, then why not just conversed with them? Because of that, I had girlfriends from basically 11 years old onwards. I just dated my way through elementary and high school. So, yeah. That's the nature and nurture part. But, yeah, that's just kind of always been my calling. As for why people should care about this call and about their sex lives, sex is integral to a thriving relationship. It bonds you. If you think about it, it's really the only difference between, whether it's your boyfriend and girlfriend, a husband and wife, partner, that's really the difference between that relationship and every other relationship in your life is you have sexual intimacy with each other. So, it keeps you connected. It's like the glue in your relationship.
Ben: Yeah, yeah. For sure. And that was one thing that I kind of thought when I first got in on a call with you, that it was just going to be like the typical, like internet, kind of like gaming your way into a relationship type of advice. But it went way deeper than that, which I thought was cool, which is why I have you on the call today. So, now one of the first things that I experienced, Jordan, when I took your advice was I became more aggressive in a good way in the bedroom. And my wife naturally became more open and more receptive to me and kind of my advances. So, can you go into, starting off, like the relationship or emotional type of strategies that you teach to make things like this happen?
Jordan: Definitely. I love how, just intuitively, you use words like “open” and “more receptive” because this is really an essential thing in intimate relationships is that masculine energy, whether it lives in a man or woman, just masculine energy in of itself, it is kind of a penetrating and opening force, and feminine energy is the receptive energy. So masculine penetrates, feminine opens. And so, you felt that within the first couple days of implementing the stuff. So to make sure that your feminine partner is ready to receive, the woman must feel safe. She has to feel safe, she has to feel seen or heard, and she has to feel connected with you. She needs to have certainty that you're attracted to her, that you will do what you say you will do, and you appreciate her. So it just hits on a bunch of levels, but one of the first, most important things I tell my often-male clients to do is make sure that they are praising and appreciating their partners verbally usually a lot more often than they do currently. Especially guys that have been in longer term relationships, that's one thing that they kind of acclimate to is not complementing the partner very much at all.
Ben: What kind of stuff do you say? Like when you say praise, can you give me some examples?
Jordan: So, some of the ways that you can open your partner verbally with praise, it can be the kinds of things that she brings to your life. You can tell her, “I'm so happy and grateful to be in a relationship with such an amazing, self-aware person. You're so nurturing, and exactly in the way that I need.” Or you can take it to the more sexual side of the spectrum. Like when she's doing the dishes or on the phone, you can come up behind her and you can bite her neck, or grab or hips, or wrap your arms around her and growl in ear. Even something small like that really goes a long way with showing that you see them as a sexual partner, not just as a friend and person it's around you in your life.
Ben: Yeah. And for me, that second thing that you brought up, like for me, that comes way more naturally. Like my wife would just give me a total raised eyebrow if I just looked at her and was like, “Hey, I really respect the way that you are a nurturing individual.” She would just be like, “Bull. What do you need?”
Jordan: Right. “What happened to you?”
Ben: Yeah. Exactly. But I mean, just like coming up to her in the kitchen and squeezing her ass, or like I tried that biting the ear and growing, and then one thing I learned from you, Jordan, is praise that isn't necessarily like, just like stuff you'd normally say, but even just like the little things. Like at dinner, like, “Wow. You outdid yourself. That dinner was absolutely amazing.” And then I'll throw in something like, “How could I ever return the favor?” Nudge, nudge, wink, wink kind of thing. That compliment that just kind of naturally works its way into stuff that she does. And don't get me wrong, ladies listening in, I cook dinner too. I'm just using that as an example, but go ahead. What are some other ways that we can open up our partners, kind of like emotionally?
Jordan: The verbal praise is huge. Another thing that I highly recommend is making sure the communication channels are open. Setting aside frequent connecting time, whether it's every night, or every other night, or just specific nights you agree on in your schedules that you, whatever you need to do. Hire the babysitter, turn your phones off, cell phones, not just in vibrated, but airplane mode, TV's off, lay on your bed, lay on your sides, face to face, and connect with each other. Starting those conversational prompts like, “How can I make you feel more loved?” Or, “How can I support you more in your life, or in your mission, even more?” And just making sure that whatever little arguments, little things that get kind of swept under the rug on a to daily basis just by being around each other naturally, making sure that those things that are addressed. Because the more you neglect those things, the more they start to get in the way of any intimacy, whether it's emotional intimacy or sexual intimacy.
Ben: Yeah. I think that's a really good point, because it's so easy to let the little things that build up during the day kind of like build up. And I that's something that I've noticed is I started setting a rule that I never go to bed at the end of the day being mad with Jessa about something or having any kind of friction between us because that goes into the next day. So, one thing that we'll do at the end of the day now is we'll talk out just like anything that's come between us. And a lot of times, that actually leads to sex is us, kind of sort of like make up sex, but basically going over every little piece of friction that could potentially arise. Because I think that one thing that happens, especially with couples, I don't want to totally skew our entire discussion towards married couples 'cause I know there's a lot of single people listening in too, but it's almost like that bitterness or that friction that builds up over time and it just gets deeper, and deeper, and worse, and worse, and eventually it's like this wall that's built up between you and your partner. And that was one thing that you really reminded me about was kind of like keeping the communication channels open, because the communication channels are distinctly related to the sexual channels. I think it's a really good point, is just like not have that friction there.
Jordan: Absolutely. And I love when you said, earlier in the call, you mentioned how I helped clear emotional blockages. That friction that you said, when the friction's gone from our conversations and hashing things out verbally, and how those things, those conversations lead to sex, that's exactly what we're going for is when you remove those little things that slowly build up, and you might not have the chance to get to resentment, but that kind of quiet anger, like, “Oh, I don't have the energy to talk about this right now,” and really, I tell my clients, you don't have the energy to not talk about that right now because it's going to affect your sleep, it's going to affect your emotional health, it's affect you on the chemical level. You need to be talking about these things. And, yes, it leading to sex is just an awesome bonus.
Ben: Now what about talk during sex? Or using these type of praise or these methods of keeping communication channels open during sex? What kind of things can you say during sex?
Jordan: What kinds of things? Oh, there are limitless options. Yeah, definitely be lavish with your praise during sex as well. One thing that I find fairly consistently that the genders might not understand about each other as much, I'm keeping this in a hetero mindset, is that women often think that when it comes to intimacy, or when it comes to sex, when their clothes come off, they feel emotionally like their male partner is seeing them with a magnifying glass. Like, “Oh, no. My Wonderbra is off, my make up is done, my hair is messy, and he's seeing me without the smoke and mirrors, he's seeing me for who I really am,” and they feel extra self-conscious. Every woman, at least that I've ever met, has something that she feels self-conscious about her body. It might be her tummy, it might be her arms, something. Whereas men, when they see their women taking their clothes off, it's not a magnifying glass. If anything, it's the opposite. It's this kind of like hazy vision of like, “Ah, my naked girlfriend!” And you're just so excited about it that it just, rose colored glasses in the best way possible. And being verbal about that and saying like, “Oh, I fucking love your thighs! You look so sexy right now.” Like, “Really? My thighs?” Verbal is one thing, but grabbing it and chewing on her, just showing her how much you really are attracted to her body.
Ben: Do you recommend going after body parts that you might know that she is self-conscious about already?
Jordan: Definitely. This is one of the internal parts of the masculine-feminine dynamic is, earlier when I mentioned that masculine's kind of a penetrating force, it really can help normalize things that the feminine feels kind of self-conscious or strange about. I've done this in many of my relationships, when one of my girlfriends, for an easy, kind of accessible example, if she does feel self-conscious about her stomach or she thinks there's a little bit of chub there that I literally don't even see, then I'll intentionally kind of push more love and lavish more praise on her stomach and kiss that many times or chew on it, not in a like I'm-chewing-the-fat-on-a-steak way, but just really enjoying it and showing her, “Not only does this body part of yours that you're self conscious about not turn me off, but I love it,” and showing her that so she can get more comfortable with the things she self-conscious about.
Ben: Right. Now, what about the mindset of, especially, I guess this might be more for the guys with that analogy that you use of us having the penetrating, kind of like aggressive side of the relationship. Do you find that, and I'm asking this 'cause I found that it was this way for me before I kind of took some of your advice was like do you find a lot of guys just kind of wait for the woman to advance and they don't really go into kind of like beast mode enough in terms of pursuing her, either physically or emotionally, during the day?
Jordan: Yeah. For sure. And not just in the bedroom, but outside of sex, I definitely think that a lot of men in many ways are kind of afraid to lead. So yeah, like you said, they wait for an opportunity. Whether it's waiting for their partner to make sounds that they're showing that they're enjoying sex or waiting for their partner to dirty talk, or even transposing that into your business and networking life, you wait for the client you're talking to swear first before you think it's okay to swear. And I don't think that in most cases, sure, some social tension keeps us safe, and alive, blah, blah, blah, evolutionary psychology stuff, but I do think that kind of having the courage to push that forward first, it helps out in a relationship. It makes you feel more comfortable, it makes her feel more comfortable, everyone wins.
Ben: Now, what are some ways that you can kind of lead in that way. Let's say a guy, for example, is introverted or naturally likes to wait for the woman to initiate? What are some tips for a guy?
Jordan: Within the bedroom or just in a relationship in general?
Ben: Either one, really.
Jordan: Okay. Way for guys to lead. If you're kind of nervous and apprehensive about it, then I would definitely recommend starting small. So, for the date thing, if you're nervous about setting up a big six-part epic romantic date, then something as small as, “Hey, I'd love to get some fresh air. Want to go for a walk then to get a coffee?” That could even be a leading. That felt kind of boring. I think I'm going to go back into the sex ideas. Leading's actually not necessarily waiting for her to start verbalization during sex. I like the word, or the phrase “dirty talk” 'cause it sounds, there's already enough dirty-ness that society and mainstream media tries to put on sex, and there's nothing dirty about it. Talking to her about it your favorite body parts, or growling in her ear, chewing on her neck when you're having sex, and again, telling her, even easier now with the emotional and sexual connection, you don't have to just say, “Oh, your thighs look really sexy today.” When you're having sex and you're inside your partner, like there could be nothing more intimate. What words could you say that would really freak them out? So, again, start small. Of you need to pre-plan one or two things, you think, “You know what? She might respond well to this. Either way, I think I would enjoy saying it.” Just try to throw something out there, see how she responds, and more likely than not, she'll respond a lot more favorably than you assume she will.
Ben: Yeah. And one thing I noticed was that sex has become a little bit more of a workout for me because I'm really initiating in leading her into, not only during foreplay, but also during sex, into different positions. Not like throwing her around aggressively, but literally just moving, using my muscles to move her around the bed and move her around the bedroom, like picking her up and carrying her into the bathroom, doing all these things that I was kind of being passive in for, honestly, the past few years. It's like you get kind of passive in your relationship, and just redeveloping that idea, like a lot of our listeners, especially I know that this first part that we're talking about is kind of skewed towards the guys especially, but like you're athletic, you're fit, you're working out, use that in the bedroom. I think that's one way that you can really lead is just by not being afraid to pick her up, to move her around, to put her in the positions that you know you're both going to love. And for me, I noticed that I'm just like way more sweaty and tired after sex now.
Jordan: And more fulfilled.
Ben: Yeah, exactly. You just feel like more of kind of like a leader. We've talked about opening up communication channels, reducing friction, kind of saying little things throughout the day in terms of praising your partner, and also turning your partner on during the day with the growing, and the squeezing the ass and stuff. So, now let's talk about mental tactics, because I know you've got some mental tactics that you specifically use, like kind of some ninja tricks to keep you from losing your libido or from like increasing your sexual arousal. So, can you dig into some of your nitty gritty tips for mental tactics you can use to increase your sexual health?
Jordan: Definitely. And yeah, this is so important. Your brain is by far your biggest sexual organ and most important, and the women on the call especially would understand that statement. The first thing that I want to go into is that just like there's nutrition for your body and energy, there are mental habits that can better prime you for sexual intimacy. And the first one might disappoint quite a few guys on the call, but that's good because I'm pushing those boundaries, is to cut out porn from your life. And if you are a couple and you use porn maybe like a couple times a month as a together thing, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking about the guys that use, or even passingly look at a porn several times a week or a day. Just like fast food is it just terrible for your nutrition and for your health, that is like what porn is to intimacy. It's really, really bad to your brain. There's so much research coming up right now about how porn is so overstimulating that the heaviest consumers, and especially guys that are currently under 30, 35 years old who were relatively born into a world where there was access to high speed internet, because porn is so overstimulating and because it is like the fast food of intimacy, it basically rewires your brain to get used to this huge amount of stimulus, which is kind of like cocaine for your mind. It's so intense and there's such a dopamine release that when guys are used to that as their sexual stimulus, when they're masturbating or just viewing it passively, they're surprised that they can't achieve or maintain an erection with one static woman in front of them in a real life because they've had this Rolodex of hundreds of sexually available women on a computer, which your reptilian brain doesn't know the difference between the computer women and real life women.
Ben: Man, I'm sure you talk to a lot of guys who are used to looking at porn who have created that habit. Do you just kind of tell them to quit cold turkey or do you have little tactics that you use to kind of teach them how to look at porn less so they stay more sensitized?
Jordan: There definitely are transitioning tactics. One of the first ones I recommend especially, for the relatively heavier users, is that because a lot of the conditioning in the mind is from just the plethora of sexually available women that porn shows you, one of the first transitioning steps is to commit to only viewing only one actress' work. So, if you're going to watch porn, watch one person. And not one type of person, not, “I'll choose blondes,” or whatever the choice is, but actually one person. And ideally that person also looks physically similar to your girlfriend or wife if you're in a relationship, or if you're not in a relationship, the type of woman that you're normally attracted to. So at least you're starting to condition your brain back to some sense of normalcy.
Ben: Yeah. I think I heard this put one time in like a hunter-gatherer way, it's like our ancestors would have sometimes gone for like days, or weeks, or months before they ever encountered some attractive female with which they could basically copulate. They would just like not have access to this every single day, and especially not have access to like hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of beautiful women all around them all day long. These were rich, maybe like the occasional rich king who had concubines on couches, feeding them grapes or whatever. But for most of us, we're just like not really hard wired from an evolutionary standpoint to consistently be surrounded by all that sexual energy. And I think that's a really good point that you make, especially that desensitizing aspect of it.
Jordan: Yeah. You bring up the point perfectly, that even if you lived in one static non-nomadic tribe, if you were a group of 25 to 100 people, which most tribes were back then, there might be two to five sexually available women, and whether they were taken or not, you can control. You can do the exact same thing with nutrition. Back then, and even, well currently, our brains are wired to respond to sweet things so much because you might only have a couple pieces of fruit per year. And so now when our brains come across a vending machine of sugar, it's like stumbling upon the Mecca of the most amazing tree with all the most gorgeous fruit, and people gorge themselves because their brains have not caught up to that reality that we now live in.
Ben: So, cutting out porn. That's a great practical tip. What are some other things that you do from a mental tactic standpoint?
Jordan: The next one is for an uncomfortable thing for some guys, on a premature ejaculation. We've all heard of the, think of baseball, mindset of, “Oh, if you feel like you're going to cum soon, then just think of baseball, or rehearse making a sandwich in your mind.” Basically, all things that disassociate you from the present moment. And you can try this for yourself, but again, studies have shown that this actually has the inverse effect by becoming less associated to your body, more desensitized. It actually works against you. So what you want to do to reverse that process is a.) you can meditate to, outside of sex, not during sex. Otherwise, your partner's like, “Where are you? Get more present.”
Jordan: Meditating outside of sex to connect with your breathing, get used to being in the present moment, into your body. But during sex, there's that kind of tunnel vision, meditative aspect of instead of taking your mind away from your body and away from what you're feeling, focusing all of your energy on your genitals, on the sexual act, on the pleasure that you're feeling. And by being extremely aware of it and breathing into, it actually gives you much greater control over when you ejaculate or not.
Ben: So, do you mean like looking into her eyes instead of looking at the ceiling? That kind of stuff?
Jordan: Yeah. That definitely also applies. Look into her eyes, feeling, getting hyper aware, hypersensitive to how her lips feel across your chest, just being very aware of what the sensations you're feeling are.
Ben: Do you do anything as far as breathing? Like special kinds of breathing techniques during sex to help with this?
Jordan: Definitely. I don't think of them as technique as much as just being aware of deeply breathing in general. My girlfriend would be pretty weirded out if I was doing Lamaze-style breathing during sex. She'll be like, “You're being to conscious. You're not being present with me.” But yeah, definitely another thing that leads to premature ejaculation is just how intense you are. And if your whole body is clenched 'cause you're trying not to orgasm, again that actually encourages you to orgasm.
Ben: Right. That sympathetic nervous system activation.
Ben: I've focused a little bit, in addition to, 'cause this is something I was getting in the habit of before my call with you kind of brought me back into the right mindset was I would bury my head kind of next to her head, like buried in her neck and stuff and just not have, sometimes just staring into each other's eyes is almost kind of creepy or unsettling, just like the whole time, like a deep, deep stare. But feasting on her body with my eyes and making eye contact, and not just burying my head against her neck as we bang, that's one thing. Or just looking at the ceiling, or the bedroom wall, or whatever. And then the other thing that I tried, and I don't know if you've done much with this, I forget the book that I read this in, but it's basically a breathing technique where you're not doing Lamaze style, like short choppy breathing or anything like that as much as you're just focusing on your breath, like travelling down, down, down your core, like deep into your groin. And then when you exhale, it's like coming back up your spine. As you're having sex, you can give your breath a color, like a green or a blue color, and just see those colors kind of going through your body until it becomes natural and you don't have to think about the colors anymore and just the deep breathing and filling every area of your body with oxygen. I've found that that not only has helped me as far as being able to go for longer, but also enhancing the orgasm just because of the oxygenation.
Jordan: Definitely. And being more mentally and emotionally present. Yeah. That's all straight out of Taoist sexual philosophy. So, if anyone on the call wants to learn more about that, ancient Chinese Taoism, T-A-O-I-S-T for Taoist of Taoism, I-S-M, it's exactly that. As you clench your PC, your pubococcygeus muscle, you envision bringing, while inhaling, you breathe in and bring up your sexual energy up your spine, you let it wash around your brain for a couple seconds as you pause, then you bring it down while exhaling down the front of your chest back into your groin.
Ben: Yeah. That's cool. I like it. Another thing that I thought of when you were talking about controlling premature ejaculation is this whole concept, 'cause I know that you've talked about this before, of going specific periods of time without ejaculating. Can you explain your thoughts on that?
Jordan: Definitely. My thoughts are that they are securely advantageous for men and women in a hetero relationship for guys to practice semen retention. Again, many studies have shown that mentally, in terms of cognitive processing, men do the best when they ejaculate the least, and women do the best with cognitive processing when they have the most orgasms. So, men need to be having less ejaculations, women need to be cumming more. And before I lose every guy on the call…
Ben: Screw that!
Jordan: Ejaculating is not the same as having orgasms. It’s like being, tend to this a bit, but you can still cum because an orgasm is actually a mental process. And ejaculation is just a muscular convulsion, or like little genital sneeze. You can still orgasm in your brain and have just as strong, if not stronger of an impact without actually losing your fluids.
Ben: How do you learn how to do that?
Jordan: Oh, with time and patience. But the actual process, one of the first steps is resensitizing your body. So cut out porn, meditate a little bit if you want to, but most importantly is getting in touch with feeling your body again. A lot of guys have trained very unproductive and inefficient masturbatory habits. When you were, whatever, 10 to 15 years old and you lived at home, you had to be as quiet as possible, or you wanted to cum as quickly as possible 'cause you didn't want to have your parents walk in on you or have something embarrassing happening. And so you trained yourself, at least for those years, to cum really quickly. And that's not really helping you or working out your sex muscles. So, a way to have the opposite effect of that is, whether you're in a relationship or not, I highly recommend, if you picture your sexual arousal on a scale of 0 to 10, you wanted to masturbate and kind of hover up and down between the 4 to 8 range. So rising and falling. Masturbating so you get, not to your sexual orgasmic point of no return, like kind of flirting with it. When you feel that, you drop off again. And then you masturbate to closer to a point of no return, and then drop off again.
And so, what happens there, over time, your sex muscles get a lot stronger, your erections are much firmer, more predictable. They last with much more ease. But also, you get a much better mental and physical relationship with what your point of no return feels like. And so how the orgasmic process happens without ejaculation is, as you hover closer and closer to the 8, the 9, the 9.2, 9.4, 9.5. You can basically ride that wave. And we don't have to be jealous of women's multi-orgasmic ways anymore because you can actually train yourself, as the male, to have multiple kind of waves of orgasms without ejaculating at all and going for much longer.
Ben: There are guys, like I've heard, for example, Dave Asprey, the Bulletproof exec guy, talk about an actual calculation based on your age that gives you kind of like the ideal number of days that you should have between ejaculations to enhance your orgasms or your sexual performance. Do you use an equation like that or do you just kind of like go by feel?
Jordan: For me, personally, I try and ejaculate about once a month in the colder months and two or three times in the warmer months. As for having orgasms, I don't put any limit on those because there's no, according to the Taoist sexual philosophy, there's no energy loss of having an orgasm. So I can ride that wave every night with my girlfriend, and I do some weeks when I have relatively more time in my schedule.
Ben: Is it based off like an ancestral standpoint that you orgasm or ejaculate more in the warmer months?
Jordan: Yeah. Well, according to Taoism, you have more sexual yin, or masculine energy, in the summertime. It's more readily available to you. Whereas in the winter, I live in a similar hemisphere as you, I'm up in Vancouver, Canada, the colder months, in the winter months, we actually do get relatively colder temperatures, 30, 40 degrees Fahrenheit, 0 degrees Celsius. And so it definitely, I don't have a clear or 1:1 ratio if I ejaculate several times a month in the winter, I'm more prone to seasonal affective disorder. I get a cold or flus much easier. Whereas in the months where I ejaculate once or zero times, I honestly feel invincible. Night and day difference.
Ben: Wow. Well, I know we're probably going to get questions from listeners because every podcast listener wants to delve as deeply as possible into my personal life. But just to answer this question from listeners right now, the not ejaculating technique is not something that I've personally done, but it is on the list, so to speak. That's coming up for me as one of my next hacks is to start into practicing that method. So I think that there's definitely something to be said for it. So, let's talk a little bit about, really, the title of this episode is “How to Get Fit for Sex”. We haven't talked a lot about fitness per se, but do you have like specific exercises that you do? We've heard about kegel exercises before where you squeeze the muscles that stop the flow of urine to try and improve the strength of your ejaculatory muscles and stuff like that. But do you have exercises, stuff that kind of flies under the radar when it comes to certain workouts that you do for sex or exercises that you do to improve sexual performance?
Jordan: Definitely. And again, to be kind of sex-specific muscles in a moment, I do think there's [0:38:10] ______ momentarily to touch on the fact that I'm assuming that the people that are listening to this podcast are generally above the mean or median and health line, whatever country they're in. They're fairly healthy people.
Ben: Our listeners are beasts. And beastesses.
Jordan: Beastess. Love it. For testosterone production, which testosterone, as we all may know, exist in men and women. It's the sex and aggression hormone. It is not the male hormone by any means necessary. Your testosterone affects your sex drive in a big way. And so doing compound exercises, doing weightlifting, things like burpees, chin-ups, squats are really good for libido. Going in and doing bicep curls with five-pound weights won't have as much of an effect on your sex drive as doing weighted squats, especially for men. For the cardiovascular health, for greater stamina, I also recommend doing cardio doing whatever it is, the elliptical, or rock climbing, whatever gets your heart racing for extended periods of time. As Ben already alluded to, you'll need them for the longer sessions of sex that you'll be into after these sex-specific exercises.
So the PC muscle exercises, it's relatively know. The conversation started, or has been start about this in modern society, and they're great for kind of an introductory level, like a beginner. And for a lot of people, those training wheels will be necessary. If you feel relatively disconnected from your cock or from your vagina and you don't have as much of a relationship with the PC muscle, which has been said is that muscle that when you clench it, it stops the flow of urine. We can all mentally rehearse that, do a couple pulses right now to get a relationship with it. There's some validity in having, at least for the first couple weeks, doing the pulses or doing the clench and hold to get it kind of at a baseline level of health or strength.
But after that, and you'll feel this for yourself, after a week or two of doing that every other day, you'll hit a plateau very quickly. And this is the same thing as if your bicep muscles had atrophied from misuse or neglect, then just flexing them without holding any weights in your hands would only take you so far. Eventually you need that resistance training of lifting a weight. And so, this is the kind of next level PC exercises for, I'll touch on male and female because there's validity in having strong as possible PC muscles for greater orgasms, more control, etcetera. So, for males, how you want to start off is you want to masturbate to arousal and imagine laying hand towels over your cock.
Ben: One quick question. You said masturbate to arousal. You're not looking at porn to do that though, right?
Jordan: No. And this is the one of the exceptions where I'll say, “If you need it because you're still in the transitioning point, then maybe look at porn. One clip for like 30 seconds, but then close the computer, step away, and just go into your head as much as possible. Feel the arousal, feel your body.
Ben: Use the “spank bank”, so to speak.
Jordan: Exactly. Use the mental reserves. So yes, masturbate to arousal. And then once you're at basically as full of erection as you can achieve, you want to drape as many dry hand towels over your cock that you can support and flex your PC muscles to, you can frame it however you want. Basically make them bounce, or it's kind of like doing a weighted bicep curl with your cock.
Ben: Mmm. Interesting.
Jordan: So doing that first with dry hand towels, once you feel that's too easy, then soaking those in water, so they're a bit heavier. And the next step is starting with a dry small beach towel. And at that point, you're changing towel sizes. I've yet to do a full beach towel soaked in water, but one day.
Ben: Wow. An entire beach towel soaked in water that you're basically just lifting with your cock?
Ben: Wow. So for women, what's a similar type of exercise they could do?
Jordan: For women, I have never physically experienced this, but I know there's another relationship coach that I'm friends with in my career named Kim Anami who has a really cool way of going about this for women. She uses jade eggs, so, you can look these up, I'm sure they're multi-purpose, just Google “jade egg”. And what you can do is take a jade egg and…
Ben: Those are kind of like the heavy Chinese eggs?
Ben: That aren't like a real egg? They're like made from stone, right?
Jordan: Exactly. And just as men have external sex organs and were doing the kind of bicep curls with their cocks, woman can put these jade eggs inside of themselves and do vaginal weight lifting. How you do that is you have the jade egg inside and you can use dental floss or some kind of string between that and other weights, and physically, it's the exact same process. We're both just clenching our PC muscles, and you want to be lifting weights with it and getting a more toned vaginal canal and pubococcygeus muscle for better orgasms.
Ben: Nice. I like it. Do you have thoughts on a couple of things I want to ask you about? Number one, there's this concept that squats increase testosterone, and increase growth hormone, and basically cause this hormonal response that could upregulate your sexual performance. Do you, or have you ever experimented with going to the weight room and doing squats, or deadlifts, or some other type of exercise as a workout that you do on the day that you really want to perform well in the bedroom?
Jordan: Definitely. Yeah. There's usually one or two times in a week where me and my girlfriend have dedicated sex dates where we set aside, it's kind of an open-ended amount of time, but we usually assume that it'll be at least two to three hours of time where, again, the phone's off, TV's off, all distractions away, and we can talk and verbally connect outside of the bedroom, but this is just time to explore each other. And when I know, because it's in our calendars, that that's going to happen at night, I definitely do some of my heaviest lifting that morning because I can feel, again, that beast just gets stoked. Like you're stoking that fire and you're so ready to go. But the time you get home, you're ripping each other's clothes off.
Ben: Nice. That's something I've noticed quite a bit, is lifting heavy, doing squats especially has helped tremendously. The other thing I wanted to ask you is about the hip flexors, which tend to get really tight and inhibit a lot of oxygenation to the groin especially when you've been sitting for long periods of time. Have you experimented with bridging, and lunging, and stuff like that as something to open up your pelvis prior to sex?
Jordan: Definitely. This is actually something that I picked up from starting Crossfit a couple of years ago is in Crossfit, they're always telling you, “Open your hips! Open your hips,” and how important that is. And so, I started to kind of connect this with sex and also through a series of me going to different masseuses and finding out that I have particularly tight hip flexors. I started going to yoga and doing passive hip openers, or the pigeon pose, specifically to open up my hips. And in looking into this, it seems that men in general have very tight hips. And, like you mentioned, especially in our generation because we do spend so much time sitting now that computers are everywhere, our hips get so tight, and just like the clenching that makes you ejaculate quicker, having muscular and physical tension anywhere in your body is not helping. So, definitely using yin yoga, or yoga poses, or passive hip openers, doing whatever you can and to relax and open the musculature in your hips is very important.
Ben: Cool. I like it. So, let's also jump into nutrition, Jordan. There are of course tons of different supplements and nutrients out there that are purported to enhance libido, or enhance orgasm, or sexual performance, or testosterone. I want to hear from Jordan Gray what you found to be the biggest wins when it comes to foods, nutrients, or supplements that you've found to enhance sexual performance.
Jordan: For sure. Yeah, there are definitely a few breakthrough products or shifts in my lifestyle where it almost felt like I found a new squat. Like when did squats and I felt the testosterone rush, I have the same thing in certain things with my nutrition. So overall, you want your body as clean and natural as possible. Removing all toxic BPA, paraben, aluminum-loaded products from your personal usage and repertoire. Whether it's deodorants or hand soap, just being intentional, being aware of what kind of things you bring into your home. I know you, Ben, have an awesome article on this that I've read several times and is one of my favorite resources for getting a lot of that crap out of your home. So, if people haven't seen it, amazing.
Ben: For sure. I think you make a good point too. Like people think about, “Oh, I should eat this or take that supplement,” and they forget the stuff that they consume or put on their bodies that is causing way more damage and is a bigger win for them than beginning to eat something. What about stimulants? Are you careful with caffeine? Do you actually use caffeine as an aid? What are your thoughts on things like that? That or alcohol?
Jordan: I recommend staying away from any kind of stimulants, depressants, things that we know intuitively are drugs, but we don't admit it to ourselves. They're so socially acceptable, we'll just go, “Oh. Well, everyone drinks coffee in the morning.” So yeah, I definitely, I intentionally remove all caffeine from my diet. I try and keep as low sugar consumption as possible. Alcohol, to a very, very minimum amount of consumption. And I think I'd be surprised if many listeners on this call are smokers, but if anyone is still smoking, that has a huge effect on libido, and testosterone, and sex drive. So all four of those things are huge things that can be cut out of your diet for immediate gains in testosterone, sex drive, overall happiness. Because any product that you're consuming that you know is a stimulant, it really messes with your body's natural chemistry very quickly. It saps a lot of sexual energy.
Ben: In his book, “4-Hour Chef”, Tim Ferriss recommends eating a nice fatty steak and following it up with some pine pollen extract mixed into a cup of water two to three hours before sex. Do you have similar kind of like food or supplement hacks or stacks that you use prior to sex?
Jordan: For me, and I haven't looked into the research much on this, I feel another kind of sexual energy surge when I have a really dark green, thicker smoothie. So compiling all of my kale, and spinach, and colored green, and Swiss chard with, say, shredded coconut, or almond milk, and just having it be one of those, like I'm drinking a thick, blended salad. For me, I really feel a rush out of that and a very kind of naturally clean high.
Ben: Mmm. Nice. What about nitric oxide precursors and stuff like that?
Jordan: I've not used or heard of that one.
Ben: Like using, well, chocolate is one example. But using arugula, some people actually use nitric oxide straight up just because it's the active component of Viagra. Things along those lines open up the blood vessels.
Jordan: Gotcha. I've definitely used as pure and dark chocolate as possible for both me and my partner, and that can just be a nice taste to both have a few squares of that and just having your mouth's chemistry mix with that in your saliva. I think it's very sensuous.
Ben: Gotcha. Do you ever track your testosterone or consume supplements or foods specifically for enhancing testosterone?
Jordan: I do not.
Ben: Interesting. And what's crazy is that I think there's a lot of guys out there who really, really go after that component. It's like, “I'm going to pop this pill, I'm going to eat this food,” but we've talked about a bunch of stuff in this podcast that I think gets left on the table. That's why I wanted to get you on, honestly, because we've talked about supplements and pills before, and foods and things like that. But I mean, some of your tips as far as exercises, and some of the things that you had to say about ejaculation, and orgasms, and breathing, and porn, and communication channels, this is the stuff that I think people don't think about enough. So, it's really cool. And I highly encourage everybody listening in, take action on this stuff. Now, Jordan, you've also got some books that you've written and I would love to get a few quick tips from you from your other books. You've got a book, for example, on “50 Powerful Date Ideas”, and “The Introvert's Guide to Dating”, and “How to Be the Most Engaging Person in the Room”. Do you think you could give us just a few teasers, like some of your big tips from those books?
Jordan: Sure. Just some little teases?
Jordan: Definitely. So, if people listening on this call, I'm talking to the men especially, if you guys aren't actively dating your girlfriends or wives, that doesn't just mean being in a relationship with them, but actively dating, going out and being on dates and dating them as a partner, then you're really missing out. You're both happier when you mutually invest in a relationship. And again, coming back to an earlier part in the call, being that leader, and being aware, and keeping your finger on the pulse of the relationship is so important. In “50 Powerful Date Ideas”, there's a lot of great things. Some of the favorites that I've heard from the readers, the first one is basically a do-it-yourself spa night in. So, buying BPA-free massage oil, getting detoxifying facial supplies, getting moisturizers to basically pamper each other while connecting. And whether you speak it all, again, this is for the natural introvert within me, this is why I first wrote this one, I loved that with this date, you can put on some calm instrumental music and make a big pillow pad of out mattresses, and pillows, and blankets, just a big soft pile of stuff in your living room or wherever, and having that physical intimacy releases so much oxytocin, the connection chemical that bonds you together, that you can talk, if you want, during it, but I usually recommend being fairly silent, especially during the massages, and physically connecting. It's much cheaper than going to an actual couples spa and much more bonding.
Ben: Yeah. I like it. I know you've got 50 other ideas in your book, but I actually, I downloaded your book to my Kindle and I've been taking my wife and doing miniature golfing and, what else did we do? We did snorkeling, we've taken some classes together, just little things. I just kind of helps when somebody else is giving you ideas like you do in that book. Now, how about for the introverted people out there? For the shy people. What's a tip, like a dating tip you would give to an introverted or a shy person?
Jordan: I think a lot of introverts, whether they know they're introverted or not, they feel the stigma that a lot of society has put on the because we live in a very extroverted-biased world. Especially North America, it's very extrovert promoting. It's weird if you enjoy time with yourself too much. And so I think a lot of the value in the book is really kind of removing that barrier, that shame, or that apprehension of being an introvert, and realizing that introverts have natural strengths that make you a really amazing partner. And having character traits like introverts are generally better listeners because they process information a bit more slowly, they really take the time to hear their partners. And I've yet to meet a woman that doesn't enjoy being listened to by their partner. So, that's a huge one.
Ben: Yeah. That's something that I found when I read that book. It's called “the power of introversion” or something like that. I always had just a really difficult time like at parties, and social events, and things of that nature, and one thing that I discovered is that, “Hey, I'm a really good listener. So, why don't I just kind of do like I do on this podcast, ask an open-ended question and then just sit back and listen?”
Jordan: Exactly. Sit back and take it all in. And introverts are also, they're generally better one-on-one compared to being in large groups. Introverts find really stimulating environments a bit overwhelming. So, you'd rather be at a dinner party, for Ben, for example, you'd rather be at one with your wife and another couple that you really enjoy the company of compared to every night, having 30 people over and having a big, noisy house.
Ben: Yeah. I get exhausted. When I go to big events, I have to withdraw myself, and I'm always just, like my wife is like super charged afterwards. And I mean even when we're talking about sex and stuff. Like if I get home from a party or social event, I'm ready for bed. I'm just like, “Ugh. I'm done.” And she's just like all turned on, and excited, and everything. That's tough ‘cause I know I have to kind of like go and recharge after those kind of events. So, it's interesting. You've got one other book, we talked about your introversion book and also your 50 Powerful Date Ideas book. Now, you're also, I've hung out with you in person, you're a very engaging person. You walk into the room and you kind of have this presence. What's a tip that you use, or a trick that you use, or a technique that you use to be a very engaging person when you go into a room?
Jordan: I think one of the most important things that people can do to be more engaging is to take themselves, at least in their own mind, take themselves off the stage. You're not on stage, what you're trying to do when you're being engaging, where you're trying to meet new people is you're trying to keep them on the stage as much as possible. Instead of trying to be interesting, you want to be interested. You want to make them feel seen, heard, understood. Work to be impressed by the people you're talking to as opposed to pitching yourself.
Ben: Yeah. So, basically what you're doing is trying to find out the most that you can about the other people that are in the room around you.
Jordan: Exactly. And then the, I'm not sure [0:58:20] ______ but my newest book, [0:58:24] ______ fourth book that just came out called “Keep Her Captivated: Lead Your Relationship to Its Maximum Potential”. And it, by far, has the most overlap with what we talked about in this call in terms of talking about sexuality, the three types of vaginal orgasms, how to open your woman emotionally and sexually, how to lead. It's really like the primer on how to be the best boyfriend, husband, male partner possible for your partner.
Ben: I'm sending it to my Kindle right now for the airplane tomorrow. I actually didn't know that you had a new one. So, that's awesome. I'm going to read it. I'll put a link in the show notes too for folks, if you want to grab it, for sure. It's called “Keep Her Captivated”. Alright. Cool. I'm getting that into the show notes right now, before I forget. Well, Jordan, you're a wealth of knowledge. I know that you work one-on-one with people too, over at your website, and it's Jordan Gray Consulting, right?
Jordan: Exactly. And Gray is G-R-A-Y.
Ben: Alright, jordangrayconsulting.com, and I'll put Jordan's bio and a link over to his site, and all his books, and everything over in the show notes at bengreenfieldfitness.com. And Jordan, I just want to thank you so much for coming on the call today.
Jordan: My pleasure. Thanks so much for having me.
Ben: Alright, folks. So this is Ben and Jordan signing out from bengreenfieldfitness.com. Have a great day.
I'll begin with a quick story – and a warning that we're about to venture into the realm of “adult” oriented topics…
…a few months ago, I sat in on an online presentation given by one of my friends, Jordan Gray.
That night, and for the week following this online presentation, I took massive action – as I usually do when I am exposed to new and exciting ideas.
I began implementing Jordan's tips – and immediately my sexual performance went through the roof. My sex drive was amplified ten-fold. I became, as Jordan might put it, a “beast” in the bedroom. It even got to the point at which my wife asked me “What happened to you?” (and this was meant in a very, very good way).
You're in luck, because today Jordan is going to share those same tips with you. I'll warn you that we really get down to brass tacks, and this is an explicit episode. Jordan's information is probably most applicable to males – but whether you're a guy or a girl, you're going to benefit bigtime from this episode (and women – trust me – you want to send your significant others over to this episode!).
Jordan is a #1 Amazon best-selling author and relationship coach who helps people remove their emotional blocks, and get into (and maintain) thriving intimate relationships. He has worked with over a thousand students over the past five years, including married couples, dating couples and single men and women…
…and as you can probably imagine, has more wedding invitations from his former clients than he can keep up with!
Jordan's books include:
During my chat with Jordan, we discuss:
-How to overcome the fear or nervousness of leading your partner into sex or being more “aggressive”…
-How to ensure that communication channels are 100% open in your relationship…
-Whether or not pornography can be used to enhance your sexual health…
-How to breathe the right way during sex…
-Whether you should go long periods of time without orgasm or ejaculation…
-Which time of year you have the most sexual energy…
-Special exercises you can do maximize your pelvic strength…
-What kind of workouts, stretches and exercises to do before sex…
-Relationship tips for introverted or shy people…
-And much more!