February 18, 2025
Sex is a subject you can't ignore.
After all, the world is obsessed with sex.
Of course, this makes some sense, since sex is critical to our survival as a species. Yet pop culture's perspective on sex seems to have twisted and unbalanced the entire topic. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to bed, we are constantly bombarded by a culture that seems obsessed with the message that sex is good (which it is), sex is free (which it isn't: orgasms have consequences), sex doesn't have longlasting relationship implications, and you should be free to explore as many different avenues of sex as you desire.
I was thinking about this just yesterday as I watched Russell Brand's recent interview with Lily Phillips, titled “Sleeping With 100 Men In 1 Day.” If Lily's escapades are not a perfect example of a seemingly shallow perspective on sex that cheapens the entire affair (as Russell points out in the short discussion), I don't know what else would be.
We're so often told that sex can be casual, sex can be no big deal, and you can and should have sex with as many people as you want (in fact, in many cases, the more the better). For those who have decided to save themselves for a marriage partner, this can be quite a conundrum, since a common belief is that by the time you get married, you should have some semblance of sexual experience, know exactly what you want in bed, be free to “try before you buy,” never be tied down sexually, and therefore have already experimented with and honed your sexual chops with a wide variety of partners. This is all accompanied by the mistaken belief that the practice of and desire for sex with multiple partners will somehow magically disappear once you find that “right person” and settle down with them. After all, unless you have sex before you get married, how do you know if you're even getting a good deal?
So, not only are we surrounded by this message and a generation of young people growing up and wondering how to navigate this entire confusing sexual realm, but we're also bombarded by screens and imagery that significantly mold our sexual worldview. Often, especially via porn, modern media destroys our expectations of what sex could and should be and decimates our understanding of what a healthy relationship with sex should be like. Porn, in particular, erects (heh!) unrealistic expectations that are not rooted in love and intimacy, but rather in a desire to give rather than to take—showcasing an unattainable version of sex that often denies the humanity of the other person in our sexual relationship. Sex, therefore, turns into an exploration of “what's in it for me,” rather than a golden rule-based philosophy of how we can serve the other person.
Are you getting the idea that you should care about this topic, not only for yourself but for generations to come? If so, keep reading.
The Importance of Sacred, Spiritual Sex
I can't say that I fully experienced sex the way sex was “meant to be” until I was probably in my mid-30s.
Up until that point, I'd roughly define my experience with sex as kind of a mutual masturbation with my partner in which we pretty much vigorously rubbed both of our bodies together while grunting, groaning, and moaning until we reached some kind of a mutual orgasmic peak, then perhaps cuddled for a little while, cleaned up, and moved on.
It's only been for the past decade or so, through engaging with my wife in everything from tantric breathwork to eye gazing to breathwork to a deep spiritual bonding through mutual spiritual growth and prayer that sex has absolutely transformed into a deeply spiritual and sacred experience that I'm frankly shocked I was missing out on for so much of my life.
What Is Sacred Sex?
The dictionary defines sacred as “made or declared holy, dedicated or devoted exclusively to a use, purpose, or person worthy of reverence or respect.” The root of the word is derived from the Latin sacra, which means “sacred, holy, consecrated,” and is often used to describe something considered to be highly blessed or revered. The noun, singular version of the word sacred is sacrum, which you're no doubt familiar with as the term used to describe a specific bone of your pelvic regions, but sacrum also translates to “a holy thing or place.”
While we so often—especially in modern, logical, rational, scientism and religion—separate the sacred and spiritual from the physical and fleshly (a conundrum I mention in this recent podcast episode on environmentalism and the sacred intelligence of plants with Gordon Wilson), these Latin roots imply something altogether different, as do other ancient belief patterns.
For example, Tantra—the esoteric traditions of Hinduism and Buddhism that developed in India from the middle of the 1st millennium CE onwards—teaches that the seat of the so-called kundalini (spiritual energy or life force located at the base of the spine) or Shakti (spiritual energy of ability, strength, effort, power, and capability) energies originate in this second sacral chakra of the pelvis regions; and, particularly when aroused through Tantric-like sexual practices, these energies travel up the physical spine to deep spiritual centers housed in the higher energetic crown chakra near the top (crown) of the head—centers that we now know from the study of neuroscience physically manifest in a host of pleasurable and mind-altering neurotransmitters and bonding hormones emitted by anatomical regions of the brain.
While I'm a Christian, not a Hindu, I do think we can borrow good ideas from many religions, practices, and cultures, and when you think about the idea of sex as a deeply energetic practice from a spiritual standpoint, it makes sense. After all, the culmination of sexual intercourse is the inception of life. It is the very method via which a unique spirit and soul is brought forth into the world. To acknowledge that life force and sexual energy originate from the same source definitely makes one think differently about their sacrum and pelvis, especially when it comes to the way in which those body parts interact with another human being.
In other words, the very fact that sex is capable of bringing forth a new life into the world makes sex incredibly sacred, and something to be respected, revered, and treated with deep forethought (and foreplay, I guess) and consideration.
The Bonding Power of Sacred Sex
In addition, a mutually satisfying sexual exchange that naturally intensifies the strength of a relationship is sacred because of its unique role in bonding two human beings together. Sure, sex can take place without bonding, but when sex occurs between humans with two open hearts who are using Tantric sexual practices such as slowing down, awakening each of the senses, tuning into subtle energies via breath and body awareness, releasing judgment and blame, expressing intense gratitude, and savoring the present moment in an act of intentional mindfulness, there is a rare intimacy of bonding that cannot be created in any other human interaction I can think of. Sex can bring people together and keep people together (in a much more fun and pleasurable way than other bonding activities such as, say, natural disasters, war, or political turmoil).
One comment left by reader Veronica on Part 2 of this sexual health series I wrote about porn really got me thinking more about how profound the biological and energetic bond that we experience during sex is. Among other observations, she noted: “…just imagine what our bodies can be subjected to with actual, physical sexual interactions; the energies, toxins, hormones, foreign DNA…fluids that are so readily absorbed… taking onboard our physical body and its energetic fields…”.
It really is a powerful thought when you dwell upon it: During sex, you are exchanging with another human being's most intimate of fluids, saliva, urine, skin cells, biome, and other biological matter while simultaneously deeply enveloped in that being's heart and brain's electromagnetic field, all while physically dancing in close coordination with the energies of each of their chakras, from sacrum to crown.
Based on all this it's shocking how standard it is—especially in a modern, Westernized, speed-dating, serial-divorcing, polyamorous society—for sex to be…
…a casual event appropriate for a random fling or one-night stand that is largely disconnected from any emotion of love or commitment, despite it being near impossible to disconnect the physical and the spiritual aspects of sex, no matter how calloused one has become…
…something that can be shared in a polyamorous style with a wide variety of lovers, absent of devotion or loyalty to any one particular partner, resulting in what I can best describe as a random series of “weak bonds” vs. a single “strong bond,” similar to having 5,000 shallow relationships with Facebook friends but no close and deeply appreciated physical friends…
…an opportunity to create a 90+ billion dollar porn industry based around us viewing strangers engage in and largely bastardize via sexual objectification, orgies, bestiality, child abuse, and beyond what should instead be a private, blessed, revered, spiritual, and sacred act…
…a quite nonchalant “que sera sera” approach amongst many married couples that if “sex happens, it happens,” with almost no forethought, calendaring, or planning to create intentional and highly meaningful sexual experiences similar to what I discuss in this podcast…
In other words, most of us could do a better job recognizing sex for the sacred experience that it is and taking sex far more seriously—not in a sober and boring sort of way, but rather with the same type of mindfulness, preparation, education, and immersion as we might devote to becoming a concert pianist, a watercolor maestro, or a finely tuned athlete.
As a matter of fact, in the same way that I think children should be taught from an early age to have an intimate understanding of how to use their breath and prana life force to control their emotions and physiology (a concept I discuss in detail here), I also believe a core part of any human's educational curriculum should include some kind of formal training in how to truly become physically, mentally, and spiritually intertwined during the act of lovemaking—including learning and incorporating the type of tantric practices I'll describe later in this article.
What the Bible Says About Sex
Of course, coming from the Christian background I mentioned earlier, I've witnessed some Bible-believing friends shy away from any element of fancy lovemaking or deep, immersive sexual experiences with their spouse, often considering a sacred approach to sex to be associated with some type of extreme sexual infatuation of orgiastic Pagan ritual origins or an obsession with fleshly, carnal, lust-infused pursuits. God forbid any good Catholic or Protestant be caught with a Kama Sutra floating about their bedside. This Victorian-esque pessimistic and pragmatic approach to sex is perhaps best illustrated by the words of Queen Victoria when she purportedly instructed the Christian ladies in her realm to simply “Lie back and think of England.”
But the great Creator made all things good (see 1 Timothy 4:4 and Genesis 1:31), including our sacrum, our genitals, and sex. Sure, in the same way we can bastardize alcohol, cannabis, or any other potential vice; gluttonize on wine, milk, and honey; or become addicted and attached to exercise or other pleasurable pursuits, we can certainly make sex sinful (e.g. see my articles on polyamory and porn); but that doesn't mean that recognizing the special sacredness of sex or practicing mindful, connected sex with our spouse is a sin. Christianity is generally considered to be a somewhat sexually repressive religion, and furthermore, since Christians are known for being opposed to gay sex, pre-marital sex, and extramarital sex, it is often assumed by many Christians that erotic sex is “bad” or “shameful” or “unspeakable” in and of itself—but nothing could be further from the truth!
Having Sex Isn't Just About Making Babies…
For example, I would challenge any Christian—who considers sex to simply be a quick way to, perhaps, conceive a child or make a partner feel briefly satisfied—to spend some time reading the Song of Solomon, an entire Scriptural poem that can be shockingly, sublimely, and sensually sexy, including elements of extravagant lovemaking, male and female oral sex, breasts compared to fawns, a man’s penis as sweet fruit and his genitalia as a bag of myrrh, and a woman’s genitalia as a garden of pomegranates that should be eaten, with lips and mouths described as “honey and milk.”
From the very beginning, sex was part of the created order. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were “naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). In the Book of Proverbs, the wise father instructs his son to “rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love” (Proverbs 5:18–19). Hebrews 13:4 says “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled,” indicating that sex should not be a cause for shame, but should be honored (back to that sacred sacra!), cherished, and enjoyed as a good gift from God.
Heck, we husbands actually owe sex to our wives! In 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, the Apostle Paul writes that “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” In other words, sex was to be mutual, and a husband actually owes sex to their wife, while a wife has the right to claim sex from her husband. This idea that sex within marriage was to be free, generous, and reciprocal was actually a revolutionary thought in the ancient world. Perhaps more disruptive to our modern perceptions of sex, it also means that—despite many young men and women being taught that they should only have sex when both partners desire it—this passage of the Bible indicates that in the context of marriage, sex should be gifted to a partner whenever that partner desires it!
Why Married People Should Be Having Lots of Sex
In addition to encouraging couples to engage in generous and reciprocal sex within a marriage relationship, the Bible indicates that frequent sexual intercourse is a good thing. Paul also says “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5). Based on the idea that if we drink deeply from our own cisterns we will be less tempted to draw from our neighbor's well (Proverbs 5:15), as is encouraged in the Old Testament, in the New Testament, frequent sexual intercourse is encouraged as a guard against a wandering eye and a lustful heart. Married couples are encouraged to set aside at most a few days of mutually agreed upon abstinence to instead focus on prayer or other spiritual practices, but then to come together quickly lest they be tempted to sexual immorality.
Next, and contrary to the belief of many Christians I know, sex is not just for “making babies.” Don't get me wrong: children are a blessing from the Lord and there is certainly an encouragement and blessing in the Bible in multiple locations when it comes to bringing new human life into the world through procreation (e.g. …God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it”). But even before God spoke those words, he first, in Genesis 2:18 said: “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him,” then, in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” This indicates that sex and partnership between the first male and female were first and foremost about intimate friendship and becoming one flesh (bonding!). As a matter of fact, the Hebrew term used in this passage implies more than physical union. It means “becoming one person.” It means union. It means bonding. So sure, sex, when done right, often results in children, but it doesn't need to be done purely or only for the purpose of making children.
Sex Does Not Define Your Worth
I must also emphasize that while the Bible supports and celebrates human sexuality, it also makes it very clear that you can be fully and entirely human without sexual intercourse being a part of your life.
After all, Jesus didn't have sex. Neither did the prophets Jeremiah or Elijah or John the Baptist. The Apostle Paul was even asked by early Christians whether abstinence or celibacy was necessary for true spiritual health. And while Paul noted what I've written above, speaking of the need to be sexually generous and reciprocal in a marriage and the benefits of married couples having sex on a regular basis, he also, in 1 Corinthians 7:7, says that he has the “gift” of not having to had to go to the trouble of getting married in the first place. See, in Paul's view, much work needed to be done before the return of Christ, and since those who are married are obligated to take time for their spouses and tend to their spouses' needs, those who are married cannot be fully committed to being a missionary for Christ (1 Corinthians 7:25-38). Thus, according to Paul, it is better to remain single, but if you cannot stand the heat and sexual temptations while being committed to a life of abstinence, it is better to “marry than to burn” (1 Corinthians 7:8-9).
So while sex is indeed fully natural, blessed, and reverent—and highly important in the eyes of God—it does not define our worth as human beings.
We are worthy because we were created in the image of God, and whether or not we have sex does not define that worth. A person can live a rich, meaningful, and honorable life without ever having sex. Ultimately, in the eyes of God, marriage and sex are good, but so also are singleness and celibacy. If you are a man or a woman reading who is not married and does not have sex with a husband or wife (yet or perhaps ever in the future), perhaps that simply means that, like the Apostle Paul, God has set you aside to work wonders for His kingdom, and that's nothing to be ashamed or frustrated about. Sex does not define you as a human.
Three Practical Tips For Sacred, Spiritual Sex
After reading all of this, I'm sure you're wondering exactly what I've meant when I've alluded several times above to Tantric sex, and the heightened meaning, thrill, and excitement of being spiritually intertwined with your lover during sacred lovemaking. So I'd like to finish with three quick practical tips and resources for engaging in this kind of sacred, spiritual sex. After all, I'm known as the practical “biohacking” guy, and while these aren't “biohacks” per se, they can certainly take a sexual experience beyond what you may have experienced before.
1. Be Mindful and Aware of Your Breath
Quality breathing, even during sex, can improve cognition and circulation, focus, and attention, and provide you with a boost of lovemaking energy.
Appropriate breathing techniques can also help you relax, concentrate, and last longer in the bedroom.
The lower the nervous system stress you have during sex, generally the more connected, exciting, and fulfilling sex will be. Deep breathing is crucial to remaining calm because it is linked to your parasympathetic nervous system, the reflex responsible for the “rest and digest” response. Shallow breathing, on the other hand, is more closely associated with the sympathetic nervous system, the reflex responsible for the “flight or fight” response. Irrespective of the “type” of sex you are having, sex in a relaxed, parasympathetic state is much more appealing than getting it on under acute stress (as anyone knows who has tried to “duck away for a quickie” during a day of work and found themselves unable to get as deeply aroused, as, say, in the evening after a glass of wine).
During sex, try to breathe in deeply and imagine the breath flowing into your genitalia. This will enhance pleasure and allow a sexual rhythm to unfold between you and your partner. As pleasure increases and you are both reaching climax or intensity, slow your movement down and continue to breathe even deeper. This focus on breath may seem as if it is taking you away from focusing on your partner, but what is actually happening is you are deepening your connection to your partner through breathing rhythmically, aligning your breath, and slowing it down—inhaling as your partner inhales, and exhaling as your partner exhales.
Finally, regarding breath, ensure you are breathing through your nose. This brings in more oxygen than breathing through your mouth and can provide you with a “natural high” from the accumulated nitric oxide. It also engages your core and pelvic floor in such a way that can enhance your sexual experience. If you want to dive deeper into the power of nasal breathing, check out Patrick McKeown's book, The Oxygen Advantage: Simple, Scientifically Proven Breathing Techniques to Help You Become Healthier, Slimmer, Faster, and Fitter, and my podcast with Patrick here.
Another very helpful resource for becoming a true “breathwork ninja” for sex, work, workouts, and beyond, is this breath course I recently took myself and my twin boys through and also this Breathwork and Meditation Series (code BEN knocks 30 bucks off) taught by my friends Christine Hassler and Stefanos Sifandos, a couple who also came to my house and taught my wife and me a tantric breathwork course, which we discussed in this podcast. The app Othership now has a collection of breathwork sessions designed specifically for couples and can result in twenty to thirty minutes of pure connection and bliss for me and my wife.
2. Embrace Grunts, Groans, and Sound – And Silence
When it comes to this kind of audible lovemaking, you may feel self-conscious—but please don’t.
It is natural to make all sorts of sounds, particularly in association with intense pleasure. Inhibiting this natural function can retract intimacy. When you are not vulnerable and open, even with your sounds, your partner can feel that and move with trepidation.
Opening your voice when feeling pleasure is useful in connecting and deepening intimacy, arousal, and sexual exploration. Push your edge here a little and sound—even when you may feel uncomfortable doing so.
Of course, whether you're on a family vacation and staying in a two-room hotel suite, a small Airbnb, or your parents' house (that can be awkward!), sometimes silent sex is the only option. But silent sex is an option in your normal environment too. Being quiet and silent during sex can heighten the experience by deepening intimacy, increasing sensory awareness, and fostering a stronger connection between you and your partner. Without words, both of you become more attuned to subtle cues—breathing patterns, body movements, and touch—allowing for a more intuitive and immersive experience.
Silence can also amplify psychological and physiological sensations, making each touch and movement feel more intense. It encourages mindfulness, keeping both of you present in the moment rather than distracted by external thoughts or performance anxiety. Returning back to the spiritual piece, in some cases, the absence of sound can create a near-meditative, sacred space that vastly deepens emotional and physical bonding.
3. Explore Tantra
Tantric sex revolves around sexual practices that focus on creating a deep, intimate connection with yourself and your partner. During tantric sex, the aim is to be present in the moment to achieve a sensual and fulfilling sexual experience.
To be in more of a Tantric space, you can practice the following:
- Make sex non-linear. It needn't be about direction and orgasm. Explore the body, the mind, stop, connect, talk, feel, be silent, breathe, go back to intercourse, then finally come back to feeling. Eat during sex, or be sensual through sounding and breathing (see above) or movement. Explore each other through all of your senses.
- Make eye contact and gaze into each other's eyes deeply. Take your time absorbing your partner and really feel their expression.
- Slow things down and don't rush. Place your inner focus on your pelvis, then bring it to your heart, your mind, hands, thighs, and then to your partner’s body. Be fully present to the environment and the room.
- Synchronize your breath. At the same time, you and your partner can breathe in deeply through your noses, hold for 5 seconds, then exhale through the mouth. Feel each other’s abdomen expanding on the inhale by pressing against one another, and then hold and feel the release by paying close attention to it. For males, if you are getting close to orgasm you can try Kapalabhati breathing. If you are about to ejaculate, forcefully exhale all the air out through your mouth, then engage in an automatic deeper (yet passive) inhale through your mouth. Kapalabhati breathing helps prolong/lengthen ejaculation in males. This level of self-control also transfers to other areas of life, reinforcing discipline and confidence. The book The Multi-Orgasmic Male by Mantak Chia is quite good for learning this technique.
- Yab-yum is a position where you can practice matching breath and also eye-gazing. One partner sits with their legs crossed, and the other partner sits on their partner’s lap, wrapping their legs around their waist (usually the female or feminine dominant person). You can rub your genitals against each other, engage in penetrative sex, or just sit there in the moment (clothed or unclothed).
Tantric sex is essentially about being in tune with and fully mindful of both your body and the body of your partner. It involves slowing down the moment of peak sexual arousal and instead coming back into the presence of your breath, your body, and your partner's breath and body. Tantric sex involves full-body orgasmic experiences, multi-orgasmic experiences, and non-ejaculatory practices to prolong sexual intimacy—based on the premise that if two people can remain in this space long enough, they can experience a profound spiritual connection. For more on tantric sex, check out the book Tantra — Sex, Secrecy, Politics and Power in the Study of Religion.
Summary
Ultimately, sex can be a highly spiritual, sacred, and incredibly special experience. But unfortunately, many people never experience sex in this way due to a lack of sexual knowledge and instruction, dilution of spiritual connectedness in sexual relationships by engaging with multiple partners, cheapening and bastardization of the entire sexual experience via immersion in porn, and a belief among some that sex should be plain, unimaginative and functional.
But as you've discovered in this article, God made sex and declared it good—not just for the creation of children, but for satisfaction, bonding, and long-lasting, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships.
And, as you've learned in this entire sexual health series, you can defy the cheapened and bastardized version of sex so prevalent in modern culture and modern media by discovering sacred, spiritual sex with a committed partner whom you love as you yourself would want to be loved.
Finally, to better understand the sacred and spiritual nature of sex, I highly recommend the following resources:
- Book: The Enlightened Sex Manual: Sexual Skills for the Superior Lover by David Deida.
- Book: Finding God Through Sex: Awakening the One of Spirit Through the Two of Flesh by David Deida.
- Article: 11 Steps to Sacred Sex.
- Podcast: Recapture the Rapture: Biohacking Sex, Tantric Breathwork, Plant Medicines For Orgasmic Enhancement & Much More! With Jamie Wheal.
- The entire sex chapter of my new book Boundless.
- This article I wrote on effectively pairing breathwork with sex to also enhance the sacredness of sex.
If you enjoyed this article, I also highly recommend that—if you haven't yet—you read Part 1 and Part 2 of this sexual health series. In Part 1 of this series on sex, porn, and polyamory, I shared with you my thoughts on polyamory, open relationships, and multiple sexual partners. In Part 2, I detailed what I think the root problem with porn is, how porn problematically affects our brains and our neurotransmitters, the pain porn can cause in our relationships, and the nature of “just looking” vs. full-blown adultery in general.
Additionally, these are a few other great resources you can dig into:
- Best of Intimacy and Biohacking Sex: Optimize Libido, Orgasm Enhancement, Thrust In Time, Better Erections Naturally, Breathwork & More.
- How to Improve Your Sex Life: 12 Biohacks for Better Orgasms, Sexual Health & Intimacy
Finally, if you're looking for more insights into your health and wellness (including sex), you'll be happy to hear that I just finished updating and editing my best-selling book, Boundless. The brand new version of Boundless covers everything you could possibly want to know about optimizing your health and longevity, including how to boost your mitochondrial function, reboot your circadian rhythm, increase your libido, manage chronic conditions, enhance your mind using new smart drugs and peptides, reverse aging, improve sleep, burn fat, maintain health routines at home and while traveling, and much more!
Ready to uncover a treasure trove of the latest science-backed strategies for improving every aspect of your mind, body, and spirit? You can click this link to pre-order your new updated copy of Boundless.
Additionally, if you have any questions, comments, or feedback, you can drop me a line in the comments below, and I'll be sure to respond!